Baby waves

I truly do feel privileged to do the work that I do--people trust me to be present with them in the most challenging and joyful parts of their lives. But It is also emotionally draining and sometimes physically exhausting--and unpredictably so--so this past week, after a particularly grueling week, I told Kevin that this weekend I really needed to get into the ocean. This comes as a surprise to me; I have struggled with a lifelong phobia of bodies of water due to sharks. I know how unreasonable and unrealistic a fear this is, but that's how phobias work. And no, this is not due to Jaws, but I devoured issues of Ranger Rick growing up, and consumed too much “Drama in Real Life” from my grandparents’ collection of Reader’s Digest, both of which fueled my sense of wonder and desire for exploration, but, yeah, maybe also fueled my vivid imagination. 

So this summer, only a few weeks ago, was the very first time I entered the water without fear. There was no big shift. I have been trying some mental exposure therapy on my own to decrease my fear of sharks and drowning, and drowning by sharks, and now, even as I'm in the water, I can imagine a shark and not feel any fear. I'm actually hoping to see some sharks when we learn diving (not the scary ones, thanks.) 

All of that is the preamble to say what an adventure surfing is. We went last night after almost two weeks of not going to the ocean as Kevin was under the weather, and the actual weather was not cooperative. I found myself in this zen-like state floating on my belly on my board, with the sky and pelicans (!!) above me, facing into the tiny surf, bobbing up and down on the swells, and I was SO happy. It didn't matter that I barely caught any waves, and the few that I did were too small for me to have enough time to stand on my board. (Okay, to be fair, maybe someone skilled could have done it, but I still tend to fall off in the process.) I had a first experience of falling off my board and popping back up with my head inside the barrel of a wave, and seeing that tunnel of space--only the size of my head--felt incredible. I like the white noise of the waves blotting out everything else, and I love facing the ocean with nothing between me and it. It helps that the water is really warm, and the beach where we've been going is so shallow that I can walk for 10 minutes into the water and still just be as deep as my chest. When we get back to the house, salt soaked and happy, I often feel like I'm still bobbing up and down, kind of like coming off an escalator when your body has to recalibrate its movement to momentum ratio. 

I don’t have any surfing pictures to share, so this will have to speak to my happiness.

I also love being in the position of seeing Kevin ahead of me, cresting waves on his board, seeing him almost make it to his feet, and even looking backward to see him standing on the beach with his stripey board upright beside him like a beacon. I feel so safe between the grandeur of the water where I am too small to matter, and the person I love, with whom I do matter. 

Also, I got a surf hat which looks absolutely ridiculous, but it keeps the sun out of my eyes and keeps my scalp from burning, and I love that too. And I got my own surfboard, which has pink stripes, so is clearly designed for success.  

In other news, the heat continues to rise and it’s been interesting to see how differently it affects Kevin from me. We think that my growing up in Texas has inured me to the extremes somewhat, whereas poor Kevin seems to feel every degree 10x as much as I do. Luckily, Copper is also from Texas, so she can accompany me on some walks into the interesting coastal fauna and we found a great park with palm trees, live oaks, and Spanish moss—all the norm for this area but particularly beautiful and peaceful.

This might be a new way to catch squirrels…

Lead on, explorer!